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Santa Presents

December 14, 2009

So last night my husband and I are wrapping presents for Christmas and for Piper’s birthday (her birthday is 3 days before Christmas) and have the following ridiculous argument.

Me: Wait. That’s a Santa present. You can’t wrap Santa presents in the same paper you wrap non-Santa presents in…
Topher: Oh. I didn’t think about it. Ok I’ll use different paper, that makes sense.
Me: [5 minutes later] Are you trying to mess with me?
Topher: What?
Me: You just put a gift tag on that Santa present.
Topher: Yes. It says To Piper From Santa. What’s wrong with it?
Me: Ok. I don’t want to yell at you so let me just back up for a second and explain some stuff.
Topher: Ok great ’cause right now you just look crazy.
Me:  We have one year here, maybe two if we’re lucky before we have to have this thing DOWN. This year is the dress rehearsal and we have to behave as though this is the only one we get. Piper is the daughter of a child who used to hunt out, secretly open, examine and re-wrap all of her gifts every December. We have to prepare for a scary level of sneakiness here.

There can be NO POSSIBLE CONNECTION between presents that come from Mom and Dad, or anyone else, and presents that come from Santa. NO.POSSIBLE.CONNECTION. This means that Santa presents have to be wrapped in completely different paper from ALL other presents. 

 Also, Santa presents can’t have gift tags on them that are the same as the gift tags we are using for any other presents. Example: You just took a gift tag from the regular gift tag sheet and slapped it on that Santa present .  Fail.   Santa presents really shouldn’t have any gift tags at all, preferably they aren’t marked in any way.
Topher: What about if we have more kids?
Me: Different Santa papers for each kid.
Topher: Woah. Wait, how do the kids know which Santa presents are theirs?
Me: Small stocking present from Santa wrapped in corresponding Santa paper in each child’s stocking completely unlike any other stocking present from Mom and Dad.
Topher: [Crickets]
Me: Furthermore, you just wrote on that gift tag in the same way you wrote on all the other gift tags, making not even a rudimentary attempt at subterfuge by writing with your other hand, or in cursive, or in all capital letters…. Wait, you didn’t even use a different colored marker?!?!? Do you honestly think this present would make it past even the most basic examination by a 5-year-old? Do you? Huh? DO YOU?!?!?
Topher: I’m waiting for the part where you don’t look crazy.  And I’m going to get you some more wine. And you are in charge of Santa presents.
Me: Fine. Here are the santa presents. Now we need a paper that we haven’t used yet.
Topher: Ok I get it. Here. How’s this?
Me: [Staring open-mouthed and slack-jawed at my husband in disbelief] That paper doesn’t have any pictures of Santa on it. That’s snowflake paper. How could that be Santa paper?
Topher: [Gets up and leaves room]
Me: So by “in charge of” you mean-
Topher: Yeah.
Me: [Starts wrapping Santa presents in APPROPRIATE paper.]  Not a problem.

I go to bed, he says he wants to stay up for a while and he’ll clean everything up. I get up this morning and there are presents under the tree which is great and made me smile. HOWEVER. Santa presents included. What the hell is that about? So I ask him. He gives me the “crazy” look again, and acts like Santa gets Super Saver Amazon Shipping just like everybody else. He asks me where else they’re supposed to go.


I am not crazy. But I am definitely “in charge of” ALL ASPECTS of Santa presents for many years to come.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Mandy permalink
    December 14, 2009 6:25 pm


  2. kerri permalink
    December 14, 2009 7:56 pm


  3. July 12, 2010 12:14 pm

    I found my way over from Smonk You’s blog (great post, by the way), and I have to say that the only reason I knew there was no Santa was because apparently Santa had the same handwriting as my mother. My mom was like “Oh, he needed some help writing the tags” and I’m like “He has no problem flying around the world in 12 hours, but he can’t write out five stupid gift tags? No dice.”

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