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Sometimes Facebook Owns My Head

April 27, 2010

Ok so sometimes I have to step away from the Facebook and the Twitter, because I admit it can be an awful lot like High School and I really don’t need any more of that. But, ever since I made my Facebook Fan Page for this blog, I keep thinking of other things I could make Fan Pages for. And in those moments when my brain has exhausted itself of anything remotely useful and yet REFUSES to just SHUT UP ALREADY because I’m a woman and therefore am required by law and nature to always be thinking about SOMETHING I came up with the below. And because I love you, and the real post I was working on for you today is nowhere close to done, I offer them to you my gentle and appreciative readers. Enjoy!

I would totally become a fan of “I REALLY WISH I Could become a fan of a Facebook Page Called ‘I’m Not A Prude But It Would Be OK By Me If My Teenage Cousin/Sister/Daughter/Miscellaneous Young Female Friend And/Or Relative Would Stop Putting Pictures Of Her Boobs Up On Facebook’ BUT I CAN’T Because I’m Pretty Sure That Some Of My Facebook Friends Would See It In My Status And Then Stalk My Friend List For Her So They Could Look At Her Boobs BECAUSE SOME OF YOU ARE PERVS.”

I would totally become a fan of “If You’re Agonizing Over Whether Or Not To Friend Your Ex Then You Probably Shouldn’t Do It Especially If You’re The One Who Broke Up With Him And He Hasn’t Already Tried To Add You Because If He Ignored Your Friend Request That Would Be Really Embarrassing Especially If He Told People About It Which He Probably Would (This Page Brought To You Courtesy Of Your Vain And Slightly Narcissistic Nature, And By The Way Maybe You Ought To Work On That A Little Bit, You Bitch.)”

And yes, I would also become a fan of “My Extended Family Member Defriended Me And It Took Me Several Months To Notice And I’ve Decided I’m Fine With What That Says About Our Relationship.”

What Facebook fan page would YOU start? You know, if you weren’t afraid your Mom would see it and think it was about her and then call you and make you take it down?

12 Comments leave one →
  1. April 27, 2010 9:14 pm



  2. April 27, 2010 9:29 pm

    Oh my gosh, it’s been such an emotional day I can’t even think of one for you, but this made me laugh SO. HARD. You made me cry.

    You know I’ll lying in my bed all night thinking about this.

    (oh, and FWIW, I did a 2-part post on FB ex-BF drama this week: and I think its enough to say that I would totally “Like” your Fan Page for the whole Exes thing.)

  3. April 28, 2010 6:53 am

    Hmm… I think I’d like to join all those you mentioned! And maybe one that says “I don’t care about your politics or religious beliefs because this is facebook and I really only want to know when you do something stupid or funny so please stop preaching to me from your status updates.”

  4. Tanya permalink
    April 28, 2010 7:25 am

    For me it would have to be “Constantly Reminding Me Of How Smart You Are Only Reinforces How Smart You’re Not, Especially When You Use ‘Anyways’ And ‘Acrost’ In Conversation”

    Fantastic post, btw. Had me laughing out loud, as usual.

  5. April 28, 2010 10:49 am

    this post is so funny! i feel myself slipping back into highschool sometimes too when im on facebook.
    i would totally LIKE a page called, “hey dumby, when you post about your incredibly disfunctional relationship and then one day you and that boyfriend who has cheated on you and broken up with you two hundred million times actually get back together and ‘fall in love’ dont expect me to be happy for you because tomorrow your status will be all ‘listen you dog, im better off without you anyways’ or something”
    oh and also, “i know your husband chased you around the house with a knife and threatened to kill you but you stayed with him anyways because he’s a scam artist and makes a ton of money so when your status is all about how he fed you chocolate covered strawberries and then you had a romantic night in your sauna [barf! and waaaay tmi] dont expect me to comment like all the other idiot friends of yours about how jealous i am because IM NOT!” whew, that felt good to get out! ahaha!

  6. April 28, 2010 11:33 am

    I’d start a fan page for “if you’re under 21 please remember that while your parents may say they don’t care/mind/lie to themselves about the fact that you drink and party on the weekends or while you’re away at college PLEASE refrain from posting 3782 pictures of you & your friends drunk, kissing each other and/or passed out every Monday because 1. this is STILL the Internet, 2. that is NOT classy and 3. you’re KILLING my news feed!

  7. April 28, 2010 1:58 pm

    “Your status update is NOT your TO DO list for the day. Use a note pad”
    “I have YouTube access – don’t need your daily multiple videos posted on FB”
    “The accept drinks only in REAL LIFE”

  8. Robyn permalink
    April 28, 2010 3:33 pm

    So I don’t really think of FB fan pages (but I will now, thanks…), but I literally think all day long in this sick, short, semi-informative implied 3rd-person: “wore eye make-up despite my better judgment,” “could really go for a strawberry pop tart…again,” “has no idea who Justin Beiber is,” and “accidentally watched Inside Edition, ooops.”

  9. April 28, 2010 8:32 pm

    I love how many of you responded and had awesome fan pages to suggest. I would join ALL of them!

    And yes I hate that they’re “Like” pages now… stupid as hell.

  10. Robyn permalink
    April 29, 2010 5:15 am

    Or, “just saw the Lady Gaga–Beyonce video for Telephone, and…what???”

  11. thenextmartha permalink
    April 30, 2010 11:13 pm

    I would start the “I’m not here right now because I’m on Twitter” page. As a matter of fact…..

  12. May 3, 2010 11:02 pm

    Ha! Hilarity.

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